Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.�
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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