i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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