At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
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