I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
