Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
