That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
