the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
