I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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