Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
