Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
