I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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