My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
