that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Randomize
