My cat gives me a boner
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
