You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
