Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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