I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
