i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
