I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
You ruined the universe
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