i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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