I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
