he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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