Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
