Having a random hookup so left but love u
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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