I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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