Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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