rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
