The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I lost the right to judge tonight
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
