her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
