if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
