If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
