i would punch a child for taco bell
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Randomize
