either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
