We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
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