apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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