i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
