its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
You may now shotgun with the bride
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
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