Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
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