Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I can tuck mytits in my pants
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
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