Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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