Having a random hookup so left but love u
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
