i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Randomize
