i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
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