I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
