I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
