Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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