Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
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