The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
