if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Randomize
