she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I'm passing your future prison.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
